Losing a loved one is a very, very difficult situation for anybody. Sometimes, on top of the grieving process and having to re-adjust your life to a life without your loved one, you're suddenly hit with potentially massive amount of physical stuff that has been left to you that you must deal with. All this physical stuff can be a difficult thing to sort out with on its own, but once you add in the emotional toll of the deceased and sentimentality of the situation, it can be very overwhelming. It can be extremely hard to go through and sort out the possessions of a loved one, but it can be done. If you're in this situation, my heart goes out to you, condolences for your loss, and best of luck decluttering. It can be a monumental task, but I hope this post makes it even just a little easier. This post may be very long to some readers, as I wanted to be as detailed as possible, but there's a TL;DR summary at the end of the post, if you're in a hurry. :)
Preface: Distributing items and thinking of others
Dealing with the possessions left behind by a loved one is a very situational thing with lots of variables between unique circumstances. For example, there's a big difference between "All of this person's stuff was left to me and I'm in charge of distributing it to family members" and "This particular box/object was left for me specifically".
Allow me to elaborate...
✯The long version: As pointed out by a very well put friend on Reddit, if you are "in charge" of all or a significant amount of the possessions of the deceased, please don't skip getting in touch (or attempting to get in touch) with other family or relatives who might want some of the items. Each situation is different, and you must make your own choices, but being considerate and thinking of others is kind, especially in a tough situation like the passing of a loved one.
Of course, many of us want to get all the unneeded clutter out of our lives as quickly as possible, especially if it's an emotionally painful thing to deal with, but do try to be cognizant that just because you don't want something seemingly insignificant, that doesn't mean nobody else who knew the deceased feels the same way. Sure, technically, if everything was left to you, it's now yours and you can do whatever you want with it, but it's kind to think of others. They are going through the emotional turmoil that is losing someone they care about as well, and you might have something that means a lot to them sentimentally or practically that they would really appreciate having.
Sentimentally, Cousin Joanna might want Grandma's old handmade quilt; even if you think it's old and ratty and would toss it out if it were up to you, she might have grown up fondly associating it with Grandma and it might be something very special to her. Practically, if you don't go SCUBA diving, your uncle's old SCUBA gear is useless to you, but you might have a relative or family friend who does go SCUBA diving as a hobby and would really appreciate having his old gear. Or perhaps there's someone who doesn't actively partake in a hobby the deceased enjoyed, who might be interested in taking up that hobby in their name.
Although, I must say, if someone wants something left to you that you planned on selling, especially something very valuable, I highly recommend you think about it a bit and ask yourself questions before you make a choice. Everything in life has a balance, in this case between what could be considered "selfishness", "within your rights/reasonable", or "over extending" by way of missing out on something for yourself by going out of your way for someone ungrateful. As I said, all situations are different, and you must make educated guesses, but more than anything trust your gut about what to do.
Do you know for sure that Aunt Karen really wants the expensive diamond jewelry left behind by Great Aunt Gertrude because she'll wear it and it means something to her since she was close to the deceased? Or does she simply want it because it's valuable? Is something genuinely wanted because the other person can use it (for example, the SCUBA gear for the hobby SCUBA diver), or is it wanted because they think is worth some money and want to sell it themselves? There are many variables, and there are usually compromises, especially with things left to you specifically. A compromise may be sharing a few pieces of Great Aunt Gertrude's jewelry with Aunt Karen if you think she's genuine, and selling the rest yourself. However, working things out between people is a whole other story. Now that the idea is in your head and you know to trust your gut regarding choices and to not forget other people, let's sticking to dealing with objective clutter and leaving other people out of it.
Assuming you've already contacted all the other relatives/friends/family who might want some stuff, they've already picked through and you've got the leftovers, or none of this applicable to your situation, let's move on! From now on let's assume you have clutter that needs dealing with that only involves you.
We, as people, are an emotional bunch. We love to assign sentimental associations to things, and we all do it, some more than others. This is especially an issue when it comes to decluttering physical objects. Just remember, no matter what it is, where you go it/who gave it to you, who it belonged to, or what memories are tied to it, at the end of the day, it's just stuff.
You're more than allowed to love your stuff, in fact, you should! A major part of the basic philosophy of minimalism boils down to "Love what you have, and have what you love. Cut out the rest." You're allowed to keep things that you love that truly mean a lot to you, but no matter how much it means to you, in the long run, objectively, your treasured object is just an object. Nothing has power or value until we assign some to it. Don't let your possessions control you or your life.
Say, for example, you have a shawl that your grandmother knit for your 16th birthday. You loved it before, but years later, now that your grandmother has passed away, you love it even more because it reminds you of her, and she herself is no longer around. However, when you eventually pass away, the shawl will be left behind. If you leave this shawl to your daughter with whom you're very close, she might keep it for one of two reasons. The first reason is because she simply likes it objectively and wants to have it. The second reason is where the sentimentality comes in. Because she knows the story behind the object, and since she knew it was very special to you, it might be very special to her too because it reminds her of you in return. You see what I'm getting at? That's how sentimentality works. She might wear it (which would be ideal in my mind, as it's still getting used), or keep it somewhere special for the sake of memories.
On the other hand, she might appreciate how much you loved it, but she might not need the shawl in her life. She may only keep things she knows she'll use, and it might not be a colour she wears, for example. There are hundreds of reasons why she might appreciate it, but not want to keep it. She may recycle it into something else, give it to the needy, or sell it as vintage/handmade because she needs some extra money. Or, regardless of knowing the story behind it or not, it might go to someone who sees it just as what is: just a shawl, no sentimentality or memories attached to it. It might go in the Goodwill box without a second thought because objectively, it's just a shawl, and not something they need or want.
What I'm getting at here is that although you may assign sentimental attachment to their stuff, you aren't doing your loved ones a dishonor by not keeping their physical belongings, especially if you know where they could be put to better use (given away to someone who needs it, sold for bill money, donated to charity). Don't feel guilty about not keeping something, if an all honesty, you don't really want that object. Re-homing things where they'll be appreciated is awesome and ideal, but there doesn't need somewhere "better" for it lined up; if you don't want it, don't keep it! Sell it, donate it, or trash it. Be honest with yourself, keep what you truly want, but if you're only keeping something out of guilt (which is a negative emotion), give yourself permission to let it go. You're not offending your deceased loved one in doing so.
Another option to consider for things you don't really want or need is selling them. If I was left something expensive by a relative that I couldn't use or didn't want, I'd rather sell it and use the money for something that I do want, and give thanks that the passed on loved one enabled it. It's all about perspective. For example, say Great Aunt Gertrude left you a set of very large set of expensive diamond jewelry, but you'd never wear any of it because it's not your style, and it's gathering dust in your jewelry box. You know it's valuable and you kind of want to sell it, but you feel guilty because it's hers. But you know what? It isn't hers anymore, now it's yours, and you can do whatever you want with it. This is where people often get stuck, as they see the leftovers as still belonging to the deceased, so they treat them differently than their own things. Shift your perspective! :) Aunt Gertrude didn't leave you a set of jewelry you'll never wear worth $5,000, she left you the ability to buy the new car that you need (or to pay bills, take a vacation, renovate the kitchen, etc). Thanks for the car, Great Aunt Gertrude!
It can be very emotionally difficult to go through stuff left behind by loved ones, but you can take baby steps. You might need to take some time to grieve before diving into the boxes and sorting stuff out, which is very reasonable. Take care of yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, grieving is something everybody does differently. However, be aware there may come a point down the line where you're more procrastinating an objectively overwhelming task and hiding behind "I'm not ready", as opposed to truly emotionally not ready. Or there may come a time when you feel it's gone on long enough, and even though you may still be grieving or not ready, you need to bite the bullet and start anyway. It may be painful, but sooner you start, the sooner it will get done.
Start by devoting a set time and date to go through the stuff and commit to it. It can be as little as 20 minutes every Friday at 5pm, or as much as 20/30/60/120+ minutes each day until it gets done. Everybody handles things differently. You may find you're able to increase your decluttering time as you get used to it, but not everybody does. If you think you're ready to upgrade to an hour a week, great! But if you find you're only comfortable with 20 minutes a week, that's still progress! Here is a link to my guide to getting started in decluttering.
Another thing to remember when faced with masses of clutter: You may want to keep some stuff in the honor of your loved one, but you simply don't have to keep all of it. There's a difference between "We have come into possession of stuff we can use" and "I want to keep all of my relative's clothes that are way too big for me and I'll never wear, solely because they belonged to someone I loved". The first step is sorting out which items fall into the "useful" and "want to keep because sentimentality" categories, so you can deal with them appropriately.
The "useful" category is pretty easy, especially if you happen to be lacking in certain areas. Maybe you're a bachelor eating off of plastic curtly, and suddenly a box of silver utensils has made its way into your life. Maybe you've been wanting a pressure cooker, but don't have one for whatever reason and you're now in possession of your loved one's pressure cooker! You know what you need, if you need something, keep it. Even if you're financially stable and not lacking particular objects, per se, there may be some things that you find useful and can give a good home. Maybe you didn't need a side table, but turns out it looks great in your living room and offers an extra place to put drinks.
If you're debating whether or not you can actually use something ("We didn't need or want a blender before, but we may use it eventually"), a good way to test this is to give the item a time limit. Sometimes we have cases of "I didn't know I needed this in my life" and it's a life improvement, but sadly, more often than not items fall into the limbo of "I might use it some day", and that day may never come. Decide a time frame that's comfortable for you, write on your calendar when you obtained the item, and when it "expires" or the trial period is over.
Details depend on you and on the item itself. If you'd in theory like to have that blender to make smoothies with, but debate whether or not you actually will use it, give it a trial run. Be honest with yourself, and give it a frame period where you feel comfortable. A week? Two weeks? A month? Three months? Typically, if it's a mundane object and not "seasonal", (Holiday decorations, snowblowers, stuff for vacations, medical/maternity related, etc), if you don't use it within three months, you probably won't use it for the forseeable future.
If you can't make an effort to use a mundane object within a certain time frame, you probably don't really care about it as much as you thought. The mindset of "I might need/use it someday" is the bane of declutterers and minimalists everywhere, and this is how hoarding often starts. If you use it within the pre-determined time frame, great! You've proven you use it, keep it if you think it's worth it. If you didn't use it within the time frame without a good excuse why not, seriously consider letting it go.
Seasonal items are the hardest since their use is limited. You're probably not going to use a Christmas tree in the middle of May, so give yourself and the item a chance and see if you actually can get around to setting it up at the next Christmas. If you do, great, if it's too much hassle this year, it'll probably be too much hassle next year and the year after that. Be honest with yourself. Let it go.
Deciding whether or not to keep sentimental items is the hard part. When something isn't explicitly useful and you're not sure if you want to keep it for whatever reason, it can be hard to decide, and unfortunately these things often end up sitting in a box somewhere and becoming clutter. Sometimes you feel obligated to keep stuff out of guilt or "respect" for the deceased. It can be a battle.
Another trick for letting go is to take pictures of sentimental items. I've done this, it's a good way to remember the object/memory tied to it without keeping extra physical clutter around. You can take single picture, or a photoshoot from all angles, it's up to you. You can print them out and make a scrapbook, or just keep them on a thumbdrive somewhere in case you want to revisit them later. (Do keep backup copies, by the way, I recommend uploading them to a private cloud somewhere as well as keeping the thumbdrive. Just in case!) This way, you can "revisit" the items whenever you want, and if you want to share what it looked like with someone, you can show them the photos. Being able to "re-visit" the items via photos make it a lot easier to say goodbye to the physical version. Memories are still memories whether or not you keep the item they're tied to.
✯ Your loved ones are not their stuff. Their stuff is just stuff. You're not doing them a dishonor by not keeping physical stuff that formerly belonged to them.
✯ Try to find good homes for what you don't want, just because something isn't useful to you, doesn't mean it won't be useful for someone else
✯ Set a specific time to devote to sorting and going through stuff. Stick to this time, don't let yourself get distracted. Try to make a routine out of it, gradually increasing time if you're able.
✯ Be honest with yourself regarding what you do and don't want. If you don't want it, let it go. End of story.
✯ Stuff that belonged to the deceased is now yours. Don't treat it as theirs, because it isn't theirs anymore. Treat it like your own stuff, because that's what it is now.
✯ Don't let guilt or "obligation" bully you into keeping clutter. If an object makes you feel guilty or anything less than happy, let it go.
✯ Separate "Useful" and "Sentimental" items to get started in sorting.
✯ Set a trial time frame to see if you get around to using things you're debating keeping. If you use it within that time frame, great! If not, consider letting it go.
✯ Other than season items, if you don't use it within 3 months you'll probably not use it in the foreseeable future, and if you can't make an effort to use it, it probably doesn't mean as much to you as you thought.
✯ Set a limit on how much stuff you keep purely for sentimental reasons: a shelf, a drawer, a box, or a specific number of objects. There can be a bit of wiggle room, but stick to your limits as best you can.
✯ If there is a collection and you honestly don't want all of it, that's okay. Pick your favourite piece(s), or put a number on how many you keep and stick to it.
✯ Taking pictures of sentimental items that you can re-visit later makes it much easier to let the physical versions of the items go. Don't forget to have backup copies of your pictures somewhere!
✯ It's okay to grieve. Everybody does so differently. It's a process that takes time. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself.
I wish you all the best of luck in this tough situation. I know you'll be able to get through it in time, be strong, take baby steps. Good luck, declutterers, and sending love to you all!
✯The short version: Being the one responsible for stuff left behind by a loved one is a very emotional and difficult thing to go through, especially when you're responsible for a large amount. However, please try to consider others who might have a good, appreciative home for things that you don't want, especially if you play a major part in re-homing items. The bottom line is to try to think of others when and where you can, but also try to think logically, make educated guesses, and above all trust your gut: if you know in your heart that you really want to do or not do something, act accordingly.
✯The long version: As pointed out by a very well put friend on Reddit, if you are "in charge" of all or a significant amount of the possessions of the deceased, please don't skip getting in touch (or attempting to get in touch) with other family or relatives who might want some of the items. Each situation is different, and you must make your own choices, but being considerate and thinking of others is kind, especially in a tough situation like the passing of a loved one.
Of course, many of us want to get all the unneeded clutter out of our lives as quickly as possible, especially if it's an emotionally painful thing to deal with, but do try to be cognizant that just because you don't want something seemingly insignificant, that doesn't mean nobody else who knew the deceased feels the same way. Sure, technically, if everything was left to you, it's now yours and you can do whatever you want with it, but it's kind to think of others. They are going through the emotional turmoil that is losing someone they care about as well, and you might have something that means a lot to them sentimentally or practically that they would really appreciate having.
Sentimentally, Cousin Joanna might want Grandma's old handmade quilt; even if you think it's old and ratty and would toss it out if it were up to you, she might have grown up fondly associating it with Grandma and it might be something very special to her. Practically, if you don't go SCUBA diving, your uncle's old SCUBA gear is useless to you, but you might have a relative or family friend who does go SCUBA diving as a hobby and would really appreciate having his old gear. Or perhaps there's someone who doesn't actively partake in a hobby the deceased enjoyed, who might be interested in taking up that hobby in their name.
Although, I must say, if someone wants something left to you that you planned on selling, especially something very valuable, I highly recommend you think about it a bit and ask yourself questions before you make a choice. Everything in life has a balance, in this case between what could be considered "selfishness", "within your rights/reasonable", or "over extending" by way of missing out on something for yourself by going out of your way for someone ungrateful. As I said, all situations are different, and you must make educated guesses, but more than anything trust your gut about what to do.
Do you know for sure that Aunt Karen really wants the expensive diamond jewelry left behind by Great Aunt Gertrude because she'll wear it and it means something to her since she was close to the deceased? Or does she simply want it because it's valuable? Is something genuinely wanted because the other person can use it (for example, the SCUBA gear for the hobby SCUBA diver), or is it wanted because they think is worth some money and want to sell it themselves? There are many variables, and there are usually compromises, especially with things left to you specifically. A compromise may be sharing a few pieces of Great Aunt Gertrude's jewelry with Aunt Karen if you think she's genuine, and selling the rest yourself. However, working things out between people is a whole other story. Now that the idea is in your head and you know to trust your gut regarding choices and to not forget other people, let's sticking to dealing with objective clutter and leaving other people out of it.
Assuming you've already contacted all the other relatives/friends/family who might want some stuff, they've already picked through and you've got the leftovers, or none of this applicable to your situation, let's move on! From now on let's assume you have clutter that needs dealing with that only involves you.
Here is the golden rule when dealing with sentimental things left behind:
Your loved one is not their stuff.
Their stuff is just stuff.
We, as people, are an emotional bunch. We love to assign sentimental associations to things, and we all do it, some more than others. This is especially an issue when it comes to decluttering physical objects. Just remember, no matter what it is, where you go it/who gave it to you, who it belonged to, or what memories are tied to it, at the end of the day, it's just stuff.
You're more than allowed to love your stuff, in fact, you should! A major part of the basic philosophy of minimalism boils down to "Love what you have, and have what you love. Cut out the rest." You're allowed to keep things that you love that truly mean a lot to you, but no matter how much it means to you, in the long run, objectively, your treasured object is just an object. Nothing has power or value until we assign some to it. Don't let your possessions control you or your life.
Say, for example, you have a shawl that your grandmother knit for your 16th birthday. You loved it before, but years later, now that your grandmother has passed away, you love it even more because it reminds you of her, and she herself is no longer around. However, when you eventually pass away, the shawl will be left behind. If you leave this shawl to your daughter with whom you're very close, she might keep it for one of two reasons. The first reason is because she simply likes it objectively and wants to have it. The second reason is where the sentimentality comes in. Because she knows the story behind the object, and since she knew it was very special to you, it might be very special to her too because it reminds her of you in return. You see what I'm getting at? That's how sentimentality works. She might wear it (which would be ideal in my mind, as it's still getting used), or keep it somewhere special for the sake of memories.
On the other hand, she might appreciate how much you loved it, but she might not need the shawl in her life. She may only keep things she knows she'll use, and it might not be a colour she wears, for example. There are hundreds of reasons why she might appreciate it, but not want to keep it. She may recycle it into something else, give it to the needy, or sell it as vintage/handmade because she needs some extra money. Or, regardless of knowing the story behind it or not, it might go to someone who sees it just as what is: just a shawl, no sentimentality or memories attached to it. It might go in the Goodwill box without a second thought because objectively, it's just a shawl, and not something they need or want.
✯✯✯
What I'm getting at here is that although you may assign sentimental attachment to their stuff, you aren't doing your loved ones a dishonor by not keeping their physical belongings, especially if you know where they could be put to better use (given away to someone who needs it, sold for bill money, donated to charity). Don't feel guilty about not keeping something, if an all honesty, you don't really want that object. Re-homing things where they'll be appreciated is awesome and ideal, but there doesn't need somewhere "better" for it lined up; if you don't want it, don't keep it! Sell it, donate it, or trash it. Be honest with yourself, keep what you truly want, but if you're only keeping something out of guilt (which is a negative emotion), give yourself permission to let it go. You're not offending your deceased loved one in doing so.
Another option to consider for things you don't really want or need is selling them. If I was left something expensive by a relative that I couldn't use or didn't want, I'd rather sell it and use the money for something that I do want, and give thanks that the passed on loved one enabled it. It's all about perspective. For example, say Great Aunt Gertrude left you a set of very large set of expensive diamond jewelry, but you'd never wear any of it because it's not your style, and it's gathering dust in your jewelry box. You know it's valuable and you kind of want to sell it, but you feel guilty because it's hers. But you know what? It isn't hers anymore, now it's yours, and you can do whatever you want with it. This is where people often get stuck, as they see the leftovers as still belonging to the deceased, so they treat them differently than their own things. Shift your perspective! :) Aunt Gertrude didn't leave you a set of jewelry you'll never wear worth $5,000, she left you the ability to buy the new car that you need (or to pay bills, take a vacation, renovate the kitchen, etc). Thanks for the car, Great Aunt Gertrude!
✯✯✯
It can be very emotionally difficult to go through stuff left behind by loved ones, but you can take baby steps. You might need to take some time to grieve before diving into the boxes and sorting stuff out, which is very reasonable. Take care of yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, grieving is something everybody does differently. However, be aware there may come a point down the line where you're more procrastinating an objectively overwhelming task and hiding behind "I'm not ready", as opposed to truly emotionally not ready. Or there may come a time when you feel it's gone on long enough, and even though you may still be grieving or not ready, you need to bite the bullet and start anyway. It may be painful, but sooner you start, the sooner it will get done.
Start by devoting a set time and date to go through the stuff and commit to it. It can be as little as 20 minutes every Friday at 5pm, or as much as 20/30/60/120+ minutes each day until it gets done. Everybody handles things differently. You may find you're able to increase your decluttering time as you get used to it, but not everybody does. If you think you're ready to upgrade to an hour a week, great! But if you find you're only comfortable with 20 minutes a week, that's still progress! Here is a link to my guide to getting started in decluttering.
Another thing to remember when faced with masses of clutter: You may want to keep some stuff in the honor of your loved one, but you simply don't have to keep all of it. There's a difference between "We have come into possession of stuff we can use" and "I want to keep all of my relative's clothes that are way too big for me and I'll never wear, solely because they belonged to someone I loved". The first step is sorting out which items fall into the "useful" and "want to keep because sentimentality" categories, so you can deal with them appropriately.
"Useful" items
The "useful" category is pretty easy, especially if you happen to be lacking in certain areas. Maybe you're a bachelor eating off of plastic curtly, and suddenly a box of silver utensils has made its way into your life. Maybe you've been wanting a pressure cooker, but don't have one for whatever reason and you're now in possession of your loved one's pressure cooker! You know what you need, if you need something, keep it. Even if you're financially stable and not lacking particular objects, per se, there may be some things that you find useful and can give a good home. Maybe you didn't need a side table, but turns out it looks great in your living room and offers an extra place to put drinks.
If you're debating whether or not you can actually use something ("We didn't need or want a blender before, but we may use it eventually"), a good way to test this is to give the item a time limit. Sometimes we have cases of "I didn't know I needed this in my life" and it's a life improvement, but sadly, more often than not items fall into the limbo of "I might use it some day", and that day may never come. Decide a time frame that's comfortable for you, write on your calendar when you obtained the item, and when it "expires" or the trial period is over.
Details depend on you and on the item itself. If you'd in theory like to have that blender to make smoothies with, but debate whether or not you actually will use it, give it a trial run. Be honest with yourself, and give it a frame period where you feel comfortable. A week? Two weeks? A month? Three months? Typically, if it's a mundane object and not "seasonal", (Holiday decorations, snowblowers, stuff for vacations, medical/maternity related, etc), if you don't use it within three months, you probably won't use it for the forseeable future.
If you can't make an effort to use a mundane object within a certain time frame, you probably don't really care about it as much as you thought. The mindset of "I might need/use it someday" is the bane of declutterers and minimalists everywhere, and this is how hoarding often starts. If you use it within the pre-determined time frame, great! You've proven you use it, keep it if you think it's worth it. If you didn't use it within the time frame without a good excuse why not, seriously consider letting it go.
Seasonal items are the hardest since their use is limited. You're probably not going to use a Christmas tree in the middle of May, so give yourself and the item a chance and see if you actually can get around to setting it up at the next Christmas. If you do, great, if it's too much hassle this year, it'll probably be too much hassle next year and the year after that. Be honest with yourself. Let it go.
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"Sentimental" items
Deciding whether or not to keep sentimental items is the hard part. When something isn't explicitly useful and you're not sure if you want to keep it for whatever reason, it can be hard to decide, and unfortunately these things often end up sitting in a box somewhere and becoming clutter. Sometimes you feel obligated to keep stuff out of guilt or "respect" for the deceased. It can be a battle.
The first step, again, is just be honest with yourself. If you don't want to keep something, admit it. Acknowledge your feelings. Don't let guilt or "obligation" hold you down and force you to keep it, because that's what it's doing. If something makes you feel guilty, which is a negative emotion, it thus makes you feel bad, even on a subconscious level. Remember, your loved ones are NOT their stuff, objects that were theirs are now yours, and that stuff is just stuff unless you make it something else in your own mind. Your beloved mother is not the ugly giant vase she kept in the living room, that's now sitting in the corner of your own living room being an eyesore. If you're only keeping it because you feel you "have to", give yourself permission to let it go. Just because she owned something you're getting rid of does not mean you're getting rid of her or the memories of her, you're simply and objectively getting rid of a vase. If you don't love it, if it makes you feel bad or otherwise doesn't make you happy, or you can't use it, let it go. It's just stuff.
A good trick is to put a limit on how much you keep from one person, specifically things you can't use and only keep for sentimental reasons or attached memories. Remember: You don't have to keep everything. When someone you love passes away and you're hurting, it's natural to want to cling onto every single thing that reminds you of them. Just make a compromise with yourself for the "right now": a compromise between the side of you that wants to declutter/be minimal, and the sentimental side that wants to keep everything. Put a limit on the items that you feel comfortable with: Devote a box, a shelf, or a drawer to store things from that particular person. Keep only what you can fit in that space. If you want to be even more specific, pick a number, like 5 or 10 sentimental things from a particular loved one. Numbers also help when you're faced with a collection. Grandma Betty might have collected teapots and left you 15 of them. Pick your favourite, or maybe your top 3 favourites to start. Some people feel obligated to keep a collection together, but unless you plan on selling them all together as a lot, there's no need for this. You don't have to keep everything. Pick favourites and things that truly mean something to you.
Be honest with yourself, and stick to the limits you set. There can be a bit of wiggle room if you need it, say you said 10 items maximum but seriously can't bring yourself to let go of less than 12, but don't go crazy ("40 is close to 10, right?"). Who knows? Maybe one day the number of items you want to keep might diminish as you heal, and maybe you'll be able to declutter further. Maybe after some time passes you're able to cut the shelf full of things from Dad into a single drawer, or down to a specific number. Maybe you can let go of the lot entirely if you find good homes for everything? It's up to you.
A good trick is to put a limit on how much you keep from one person, specifically things you can't use and only keep for sentimental reasons or attached memories. Remember: You don't have to keep everything. When someone you love passes away and you're hurting, it's natural to want to cling onto every single thing that reminds you of them. Just make a compromise with yourself for the "right now": a compromise between the side of you that wants to declutter/be minimal, and the sentimental side that wants to keep everything. Put a limit on the items that you feel comfortable with: Devote a box, a shelf, or a drawer to store things from that particular person. Keep only what you can fit in that space. If you want to be even more specific, pick a number, like 5 or 10 sentimental things from a particular loved one. Numbers also help when you're faced with a collection. Grandma Betty might have collected teapots and left you 15 of them. Pick your favourite, or maybe your top 3 favourites to start. Some people feel obligated to keep a collection together, but unless you plan on selling them all together as a lot, there's no need for this. You don't have to keep everything. Pick favourites and things that truly mean something to you.
Be honest with yourself, and stick to the limits you set. There can be a bit of wiggle room if you need it, say you said 10 items maximum but seriously can't bring yourself to let go of less than 12, but don't go crazy ("40 is close to 10, right?"). Who knows? Maybe one day the number of items you want to keep might diminish as you heal, and maybe you'll be able to declutter further. Maybe after some time passes you're able to cut the shelf full of things from Dad into a single drawer, or down to a specific number. Maybe you can let go of the lot entirely if you find good homes for everything? It's up to you.
If you're seriously not sure how much stuff to keep in the "for now", and you have a likeminded friend or partner, ask what they as an outsider think is a good amount. They might be able to reassure you that you don't need to keep every single teapot, especially if you already know that in your heart but can't bring yourself to admit it. If you don't know of anybody who would be able to help in your particular situation (perhaps your best friend has hoarding tendencies and your spouse isn't sentimental enough to understand the struggle), there are lots of guidelines and communities online that are willing to help. /r/Declutter and /r/SimpleLiving on Reddit are good and friendly communities that would be a good place to start :)
Another trick for letting go is to take pictures of sentimental items. I've done this, it's a good way to remember the object/memory tied to it without keeping extra physical clutter around. You can take single picture, or a photoshoot from all angles, it's up to you. You can print them out and make a scrapbook, or just keep them on a thumbdrive somewhere in case you want to revisit them later. (Do keep backup copies, by the way, I recommend uploading them to a private cloud somewhere as well as keeping the thumbdrive. Just in case!) This way, you can "revisit" the items whenever you want, and if you want to share what it looked like with someone, you can show them the photos. Being able to "re-visit" the items via photos make it a lot easier to say goodbye to the physical version. Memories are still memories whether or not you keep the item they're tied to.
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In conclusion
Sooner or later, if you keeping working to declutter, despite emotional difficulty doing so, you'll get there. For some people it's helpful to have a friend or other loved one help you go through stuff, and for others it must be done solo. No matter what methods you use, if you work at it and try to go into it with the right mindsets, it will all get done. This post was very long, but I hope it was helpful to at least someone out there. Here is a summary of important points:
✯ Your loved ones are not their stuff. Their stuff is just stuff. You're not doing them a dishonor by not keeping physical stuff that formerly belonged to them.
✯ Try to find good homes for what you don't want, just because something isn't useful to you, doesn't mean it won't be useful for someone else
✯ Set a specific time to devote to sorting and going through stuff. Stick to this time, don't let yourself get distracted. Try to make a routine out of it, gradually increasing time if you're able.
✯ Be honest with yourself regarding what you do and don't want. If you don't want it, let it go. End of story.
✯ Stuff that belonged to the deceased is now yours. Don't treat it as theirs, because it isn't theirs anymore. Treat it like your own stuff, because that's what it is now.
✯ Separate "Useful" and "Sentimental" items to get started in sorting.
✯ Set a trial time frame to see if you get around to using things you're debating keeping. If you use it within that time frame, great! If not, consider letting it go.
✯ Other than season items, if you don't use it within 3 months you'll probably not use it in the foreseeable future, and if you can't make an effort to use it, it probably doesn't mean as much to you as you thought.
✯ Set a limit on how much stuff you keep purely for sentimental reasons: a shelf, a drawer, a box, or a specific number of objects. There can be a bit of wiggle room, but stick to your limits as best you can.
✯ If there is a collection and you honestly don't want all of it, that's okay. Pick your favourite piece(s), or put a number on how many you keep and stick to it.
✯ Taking pictures of sentimental items that you can re-visit later makes it much easier to let the physical versions of the items go. Don't forget to have backup copies of your pictures somewhere!
✯ It's okay to grieve. Everybody does so differently. It's a process that takes time. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself.
I wish you all the best of luck in this tough situation. I know you'll be able to get through it in time, be strong, take baby steps. Good luck, declutterers, and sending love to you all!
Love,
Queen Werandra
Decluttering: Dealing with sentimental clutter left behind by loved ones
Reviewed by WerandRa
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Reviewed by WerandRa
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